Self-Consciousness

I'm self-conscious. At every possible chance, I'll check over my hair in the mirror; at any moment possible, I'll attempt to reapply the little bit of makeup I force myself to put on; at any given time, if somebody comments negatively on my appearance, I basically have a partial panic attack. I never used to really care, and I still wish I didn't, but I do.

In no way am I expecting you pity me or whatever, I think I just need to get this off my chest. I guess, everyone gets judged a lot and usually I don't care, because I'll just fight back ten times stronger. However, when it comes to my appearance, not so much, and I don't know why this is. Is it because I can't see how I look from another's point of view? Is it because I can't change how I look? Either way, it seems shallow that I care about my appearance so much, but it's not that. I just want to accepted. And doesn't everybody? I know I'm not the only one when I say this: there are millions of girls (and boys, minus the whole makeup thing) who feel the same way I do, but then, why do I feel so alone? 

It's not that I cannot defend myself, because I quite obviously can; it's been proven long ago that I can and do so when necessary. It's so hard to explain.. I know I'll probably never be able to confront my friends about this, because I know what they'll say: "Oh, but you don't need makeup Amy, you're beautiful. Your hair is pretty no matter what it looks like!" But if I don't feel beautiful, or pretty, then what's the point? 

I think I've always had issues with trusting people, and what they tell me. I don't know what sparked this, or why it is now such a serious problem in my life now, but it has happened, and it's affecting me. The only thing is that when I say this, I then feel like I'm trying to make you think I'm all upset or something. Yeah, I go through very rough times and so on, but I really don't have depression or anxiety. It's an offense to people who do to say that I do. I just have issues with trusting people, and their verdict on situations.

For example, my music teacher, Miss Green, had me record my song I wrote in music after school; I had to play the guitar and sing, and when I listened to the finished mixed version today (she's so kind, she actually took the time to record backing tracks, piano/violin intervals etc.), I was cringing at my voice. And though she said I was genuinely so, so good, I still couldn't find it in me to believe her, even though I know fine well that she would not lie to me.

One thing I'm not so self-conscious about now, however, is my weight. I have lost quite a bit and am proud of where I now stand, and though I would like to improve on it at some point in the future, I now don't feel like my weight could in anyway affect my future in a negative light. At least, I'd hope not. It's not exactly like I want to be a supermodel or anything. 

Anything else? Gah, I had something else to discuss, but it'll have to wait. Farewell, and I hope you've took something from this blog post... if that's possible.