Appreciation

My internet friend, Elly, is currently on holiday, and I think it's only now I realize how much she means to me. You know that feeling when nothing seems to be fulfilling, the only thing you can think of doing is nothing, everything seems pointless, and the only thing you want to do is talk to somebody who listens to your problems? That's kind of the issue I'm having right now. And it's because of this, that I realize how much I take Elly for granted.

Whenever I want somebody to talk to, she's there. She's not patronizing or judgmental; she just listens and cares and helps, and that's all I can really ask for. However, now she's not here, I really don't know who to go to. I don't trust many people, and I'm not trying to make a big point of this. All I mean is that I just want her to know that, as one of the only people who knows so much about my life, I appreciate her being there.

We've actually been talking for 10 months and 3 days now, which is extraordinary. I had always hoped our friendship would last this long, but never actually expected it to. I don't know why I thought such a thing, but we've made it this far, and I expect we'll probably keep talking online up until the moment where we can talk face-to-face. Which would be amazing, by the way.

But.. yes. I just felt the need to make this blog post, in hopes that she will see this and know how much I appreciate the fact our paths somehow crossed. You're the best friend somebody could ask for, and I thank you for that.

Soppy Amy time over. Peace out.

Benjamin & Violins

I seen one of my favourite artists, Benjamin Francis Leftwich, on Tuesday, at Northumbria University! It was a small gig, but one of the best experiences of my life. My sister and I were one of the first to get in to the place they were playing, and got right to the front, which although was not a big priority for anybody else, was a giant one to me. I'm a pretty avid Benjamin Francis Leftwich fan, to say the least. 

And so, the gig went on, and he played all of his songs and a cover, and I got to see two pretty amazing supporting acts (Sivu and Lewis Watson, just in case you're curious), except he didn't sing my favourite song... yet. Out of nowhere, he unplugs his electro-acoustic guitar, and says: "I don't like being elevated. I'm coming down into the audience for my last song." And he jumps down, hops over the barrier, and sits right next to me.

The proof is in the p(icture)udding. Then, even better, he sings my absolute favourite song of his, Atlas Hands, and with shaky hands, I filmed the whole thing. He looked over at me a lot of times. Needless to say, I died. So then the gig ended and I was getting ready to leave and then suddenly I hear him say he'll be taking photos over at the little merchandise rack thing. And I lined up, and got a photo with him. I look a bit weird, but I don't really care.

Yup. That happened. Nobody at school really cared, so I decided to enlighten you, my dear blog, with my glorious story instead. In other news, my violin has still not been set up, but alternatively, Miss Green has let me borrow hers over the holiday.. it's so fun to play, I'm not even kidding. I believe to have picked it up pretty quickly, but more than likely, I'm doing it completely wrong, so I won't get my hopes up too much.

That is all, I'd like to think, so adios for now, and speak to you next time.

PS: Just realized all I've done all night is blog and play violin.. I am the Johnlock child.

Self-Consciousness

I'm self-conscious. At every possible chance, I'll check over my hair in the mirror; at any moment possible, I'll attempt to reapply the little bit of makeup I force myself to put on; at any given time, if somebody comments negatively on my appearance, I basically have a partial panic attack. I never used to really care, and I still wish I didn't, but I do.

In no way am I expecting you pity me or whatever, I think I just need to get this off my chest. I guess, everyone gets judged a lot and usually I don't care, because I'll just fight back ten times stronger. However, when it comes to my appearance, not so much, and I don't know why this is. Is it because I can't see how I look from another's point of view? Is it because I can't change how I look? Either way, it seems shallow that I care about my appearance so much, but it's not that. I just want to accepted. And doesn't everybody? I know I'm not the only one when I say this: there are millions of girls (and boys, minus the whole makeup thing) who feel the same way I do, but then, why do I feel so alone? 

It's not that I cannot defend myself, because I quite obviously can; it's been proven long ago that I can and do so when necessary. It's so hard to explain.. I know I'll probably never be able to confront my friends about this, because I know what they'll say: "Oh, but you don't need makeup Amy, you're beautiful. Your hair is pretty no matter what it looks like!" But if I don't feel beautiful, or pretty, then what's the point? 

I think I've always had issues with trusting people, and what they tell me. I don't know what sparked this, or why it is now such a serious problem in my life now, but it has happened, and it's affecting me. The only thing is that when I say this, I then feel like I'm trying to make you think I'm all upset or something. Yeah, I go through very rough times and so on, but I really don't have depression or anxiety. It's an offense to people who do to say that I do. I just have issues with trusting people, and their verdict on situations.

For example, my music teacher, Miss Green, had me record my song I wrote in music after school; I had to play the guitar and sing, and when I listened to the finished mixed version today (she's so kind, she actually took the time to record backing tracks, piano/violin intervals etc.), I was cringing at my voice. And though she said I was genuinely so, so good, I still couldn't find it in me to believe her, even though I know fine well that she would not lie to me.

One thing I'm not so self-conscious about now, however, is my weight. I have lost quite a bit and am proud of where I now stand, and though I would like to improve on it at some point in the future, I now don't feel like my weight could in anyway affect my future in a negative light. At least, I'd hope not. It's not exactly like I want to be a supermodel or anything. 

Anything else? Gah, I had something else to discuss, but it'll have to wait. Farewell, and I hope you've took something from this blog post... if that's possible. 

Westovians & Worries

No, this blog post is not, in anyway, related to Westerners nor Whovians; Westovians is, however, the name of a theatre club I have been asked to join. At first, I gave it a miss, thinking I'd need to have the ability to act and sing and quite frankly, I can't do any of that. Not in front of people, anyway. But then my friend brought it to my attention that I don't need to do things on stage, but rather, can stay behind the scenes: paint the props, sort out the lights, create the costumes. And I think that's got me tempted.

I can't help but feel, though, as if I'll be far from accepted. It really isn't in my nature to make friends, and I often find it very difficult to feel welcomed in a community, even though I most likely am. Ugh, this is stressing me out, and I don't even know why.

Moving on, I've just been to see Star Trek and it was absolutely bloody flawless. It made me laugh, it made me sob, it made me speechless. Though I expected a lot, it was even better than my expectations. Anybody fancy going to see it with me again? Please. Words cannot even begin to describe my emotions towards that film. 

Wow, there's really been quite a lack of things going on in my life right now. It's all very stereotypical and I doubt you'd want to hear. One weird thing is, though, that today I actually did good in the subject known as Physical Education. Like, honestly, wow. And it was high jump. I shit you not. Very strange times, I cannot lie.

My brain is in whirlwind mode currently, and I honestly can't think why. Well, there's always the Westovians thing. It's very nerve-wracking, the thought of making new friends, or even worse, irritating current ones by gracing them with your presence, if that's possible. It probably is, in my case. 

For now, I must bid you a farewell. Adios!

Outlook

I've been feeling a bit off-balance for a while now, and until this point, I've been unable to put a finger on why exactly that is. However, I think I now know: it's a bit of everything. All the little irrelevant negative things in my life swept up in a tidal wave making its way towards me at a pace I am unsure of. The only thing is, even typing this, I feel ungrateful. I have so many things in my life to be thankful for, and yet, I choose to complain. Hopefully you don't think I'm ungrateful.

Lately, I've been friends with a big group of people in the year above, and that's what I want to continue doing; I'm much happier with these people. The only problem is that they're in the year above, and so, I am left during lesson times with a dwindling amount of people to converse with. In no way am I blaming this on them, because it really isn't their fault, nor is it anybody's. I think it's just a bit of a downer for me, and one that cannot be helped. 

Another is that, quite lately, I've been really regretting things I've done (or said) only hours before. What I did will keep playing back in my head, and the looks on everyone's faces will be amplified in horror or disappointment, which is my brain's attempt of making me feel guilty. But why does my brain want to make me feel guilty? Is that myself telling me to feel guilty, or the inner workings of my brain, those of the unconscious, telling me to? The whole point is that I can't figure out why this has been happening more than usual lately, and so yet again, it cannot be helped. 

Maybe I'll stop boring you with my problems now, and move onto something a bit more positive (kind of). Depends on how you look at it. I figured out why the hell my vision is all dodgy! Let me explain:

Okay, so your vision has a blind spot. You know when you see the moon in the sky on a night? It's the size of 17 moons from the distance you see them at.
Usually we don't see this blind spot because your eyes use peripheral vision and merge their two images together. Your eyes are right next to each other, so the image is merged pretty easily.
But I I had an operation on my right eye because I used to be cross-eyed, and that operation went wrong since they cut too many muscles in my eye, in an attempt to straighten my vision out, so now it goes up and to the right instead. Well, there we have it.
My eye goes up into that corner and then my brain tries to merge the two images together because of my peripheral vision, but all it does it merge two completely different images together - usually one of what I'm supposed to be focusing on, and another towards the ceiling.
And I only figured that out because Incognito, the book I am currently reading, was discussing peripheral vision.

In fact, I've probably bored you even further now, but too bad, since I was pretty proud of my own discovery. Anything else I can discuss with you? I don't think so. Not in this blog post anyway.. so farewell, my friends!

Twitter Follows & What Not

I'm very chuffed right now, and do you want to know why? ..No? Too bad! The Generationals, my absolute favourite indie rock duo, followed me on Twitter! I remember the moment like it was half an hour ago: that's because it was. It was surprisingly easy, actually, considering I looked through their following list and the majority were verified singers and so on. All I did was tweet them and then I looked at my phone later and there it was. 

@generationals is now following you!

Needless to say, I was close to tears. And so, I have now DM'ed them about 6 times just saying thank you and being a tosser, like my usual idiotic self. Hopefully I won't scare them off. Just as proof, I want to show you this:

Continuing on swiftly, I'd once again like to bring up the whole acceptance into a new friendship group thing. However, this time, it's in a positive light. Yes! I, Amy, bearer of all thoughts negative, have something positive to say; it sounds crazy, but it's true.

Yet again, I finally feel more accepted than I ever have been before. I feel like I'm finally getting to know everybody, and I feel like I don't need to cling onto that of Amy and Leoni as much. Of course, I still talk to them just as regularly, I just mean, I don't feel the need to only talk to them, in case of intimidation and so on. If you get my drift.

Also, guess what else happened today? I was ready 20 minutes early. Usually, I'm bloody 20 minutes late, nevermind early. Seriously, this day is just full of surprises. Oh, and I got an 8.2 in my science assessment, which was the highest level in the class, where I drew par with one of my friends, Elizabeth. The hilarious thing is that previous times I really did try my hardest to revise and do well, and always ended up just slightly above average. And now I don't try at all, I get an extremely high level I never thought I was capable of, in science. I think life is trying to tell me something. Procrastination is a good thing, even if it's to the extent of not doing what you needed to do at all. Or perhaps not. I can't see myself getting very far in life with that attitude... but whatever.

Hmm, anything else? Other than my slightly less than interesting tales of making friends with plants, and stereotypical evil librarians, I think that's it. Goodbye for now!

Good Times, Good Times..

Plenty of these I have encountered over the weekend, and yet, I still currently feel a bit crap; the worst part is that half of it is over something a bit silly, and I don't even know what the other half is, but there definitely is one. 

All in all, I feel like all of my previous friends are attacking me at once, as if forming an evil alliance against myself. Obviously that's not the case, but it most certainly feels like it. Today, I had a wonderful day at Saltwell Park, a nice little Victorian park situated in the North East of England, and I came home very pleased and happy. After watching Pirates of the Caribbean with my sister, I went online, as per usual, expecting to be greeted by things to further my pleasant mood. This was not the case.

Instead, I first go to Instagram, where a sea of photos captioned "with all my best friends" await me. Quite frankly, not the best of things to see. Irony plays its part respectably well here, considering the people who did this were previously slagging off others for doing such a thing. All in all, it felt like a bit of a dig, a dig of which I cannot understand.

Slightly miffed, I continue my journey over to Facebook, expecting a more positive entrance: one of which I did not receive. First to appear on my godforsaken timeline were six uploaded photos from a previous friend, whose name shall not be mentioned; selfies of her and two other unnamed people with similar captions to the previously aforementioned case. Disappointingly, following was a status saying: "Anna Smith*, Laura Turnbull* are the best."

Just so you know, the names were classified. Anywho, since finding such photos and status', I've been a bit in distress. Are these really aimed at me? Am I really that bad of a person, to deserve such a thing? Do they not know of how I feel about these specific things they happened to have posted? I'm not dictating what they can or can't post, I just feel consideration into how others may feel about it may be appreciated.

I don't know. I'm just a bit upset right now. On a happier note, I did have a really fun day today with friends who actually care for my well-being! It's true. The only downer is that I will have to face school tomorrow, and be greeted with the beau(gly)tiful faces of my fellow classmates during the nearly seven hour period. Oh, the joys.

Sorry the majority of my blog posts are simply me ranting, before leaving you on a rather abrupt note, but it's just how I roll. And on that rather abrupt note (see what I did there?), I will leave you. Adios!

P.S: Listen to Ben Howard, you will not regret it.